Wow, people sure put a lot of thought into this contest!
The spirit of GRVL is not only with us today but has always been with us, working in its mysterious ways. Was it with Fausto Coppi? It was. Was it with the badger? Of course. Was it with Andy Hampsten on the Gavia? So it is said by the wise men of old. Indeed the spirit of GRVL is without beginning and without end, the alpha and omega of the bike world if you will.
You say that you have been searching for the spirit of GRVL, pilgrim, and no doubt you have, but I think you have not been entirely honest with us, your faithful followers, about what you have seen. Would someone who does not KNOW the spirit of GRVL take the care to obscure its holy name by removing the vowels? Would a mere seeker be concerned about the sacrilege involved in spelling out its full (and holy) name? I think not. You have seen things that you have not revealed to us. Like the name of G-d, you dare not desecrate that which moves amongst the tiny rocks.
Tell us and teach us oh holy one. What lives in the trails behind the mall? Or perhaps it was during that New England summer vacation about which you said conspicuously little? As it is, we remain in the dark, wandering. We laugh at your jokes, knowing not their true meaning. We pretend to understand your tales, but in fact we are confused. Like us you claim to stick to the roads, but we sense that something in you has been changed – like you have seen something, and you dare not speak its name. Don’t abandon us now. Teach us, and soon, holy one, lest we jesus-carry our bikes into the Gates of Hell.
It is true. Mine eyes have seen the Glory. The wool hath been pulled forth from mine eyes, and instead wrapped around mine handlebar grips:
[Photo: Dan Leto]
No, really, that was Grant’s bike and the grips were basically this:
[Photo: Rivendell]
Anyway, as a reader points out, sometimes the Spirit of Gravel isn’t even about bikes at all:
Wait. Gravel guitar? Wouldn’t that just be a bass?
You know, same idea as a six-string guitar, just longer with thicker strings?
Also, does that make a locking tuner the equivalent of a clutch derailleur?
I don’t know, I’m not a musician.
Meanwhile, still no gravel here, but yesterday something amazing happened:
I had forgotten what temperatures above freezing felt like, and it was glorious. Five-finger gloves instead of mittens! The ability to drink water from a water bottle! Not freezing solid during descents! Sure, the streets were wet and slushy, but with fenders who cares?
If you ask me, it’s fenders that make year-round riding possible, not motors. But nobody asked me. Instead everyone went out and bought bikes with motors on them, so now Nike’s making e-bikes for your feet:
I’ve already mentioned these, and I was hoping if I ignored them they’d just go away, but apparently not:
“If you have a body, you’re an athlete,” said Mike Yonker, who heads up the team developing Project Amplify — Nike’s new bionic sneaker.
Accordingly, the Project Amplify footwear system is aimed at a broad audience. “Amplify is designed for that everyday athlete to give them the energy they need to go further, to go faster, with greater levels of confidence,” said Yonker. “It’s like an e-bike for your feet.”
Sure. And if you have a scalpel you’re a surgeon. Try giving yourself a vasectomy and see how that works out for you.
Nike is serious about turning non-athletes into athletes, too, because they’re testing these things at NPR:
Nike said it plans to launch Project Amplify commercially in 2028. The system, tested in prototype form by NPR at the company’s headquarters, consists of fairly standard-looking sneakers with a carbon fiber plate running through the soles. These sneakers are attached at the back to close-fitting, 3D-printed titanium leg shells that cinch to the calves. The battery-powered contraptions, containing complex motors, sensors and circuitry, weigh a couple of pounds and look like something out of Terminator or RoboCop.
Testing athletic gear at NPR is like testing sex toys at a convent–lots of confusion, embarrassment, and inexperience, but no shortage of pent-up demand. Plus, both are ideal “use cases” for batteries.
But yes, it’s about time your gait was determined by an algorithm:
“What it’s doing is learning how your ankles are moving, how long your steps are, taking the algorithms and customizing them for you,” said Alison Sheets-Singer, Project Amplify’s lead scientist. “So that when it turns on, it feels natural and smooth.”
A phone app powers the footwear system on and off and can be used to toggle between various speed settings in “walk” and “run” mode. When activated, the leg shells pick up the heels and propel the feet purposefully forward.
Hey, algorithms have worked great for social media, which is why everybody hates each other now. Just wait until they apply the same concept to our sneakers and we’re all fleeing in terror because of the latest trending news story:
[“They took Savannah Guthrie’s mom and now they’re coming for MEEE!”]
But there is a precedent for all this, and it’s…old-timey Rollerblades?
Semmelhack points to ice skates made of bone from the 1600s, 19th-century in-line roller skates and an iconoclastic pair of crescent-shaped, metal rocking-shoes patented in the early 20th century.
Yep, it’s a thing, I looked it up:
Behold, the Pennyfarthing of Rollerblades!
[Via here.]
But it will take more than just the e-sneakers themselves to make walking obsolete. You can’t reinvent society without also reinventing language. Just ask George Orwell! Fortunately, Nike and their contractors have that covered, and thanks to a new invention of theirs called “personal range anxiety” you’ll never wear regular shoes again:
“We’ve described a phenomenon called ‘personal range anxiety,’ where people are now making decisions about which activities they opt in and out of based on asking themselves, ‘Will I be comfortable? Will I be in pain? Will I be able to keep up with my friends and family?’” said Dephy co-founder and CEO Luke Mooney. “And so we’re helping them restore that confidence.”
I remember when “personal range anxiety” used to be called “laziness.”
And you know who we have to thank for all this?
That’s right, it’s mountain bikers!
“E-bikes have changed the landscape of mountain biking for people that maybe didn’t have the ability or were getting older and still wanted to participate,” said Mark Oleson, a former Adidas executive who has worked on many innovation projects in the athletic shoe sector and who currently heads up the women’s volleyball footwear and apparel company Avoli. “There’s a huge opportunity where companies are asking, ‘How do we get someone into a sport or into a recreational activity that they normally wouldn’t have the ability to do?’”
They really are the worst.
I’d like to think people will resist electric shoes, but unfortunately I suspect everyone will be too tired after fighting the “‘Alt-Valve’ Revolution:”
Holy crap, I counted 11 new types of valves!
Which will reign supreme? Will it be the Muc-Off Big Bore?
When I heard “Big Bore” the first thing I thought of was this guy:
Now that’s boring.
In any case, it’s no wonder the humble bicycle tire valve has become a key battleground, because not only has the shift from inner tubes to flat prevention semen increased the demands upon it, but it also represents another place to put a battery for no reason:
Ah, whatever, I give up. Just let me know when it’s over and everyone’s decided on a new valve standard. Hopefully it’s compatible with 32-inch wheels.