Big news out of Austin, Texas, today as Telsa CEO Elon Muck announced “one of the most important steps in the evolution of the sport of mountain biking” this morning. After years of testing, Muck claims that they’ve finally perfected their AI and Full Self-Riding (FSR) software and will be rolling it out on a brand-new eMTB that will officially be launching at Sea Otter in a couple weeks.
According to the brand, “The Future is Autonomous,” and Full Self-Riding gets us one step closer to making that reality. “eMTBs have already unlocked new possibilities, and they keep getting better,” said Muck, “but they’re still constrained by having to actually rotate the pedals, steer the bike, and pay attention to where you’re going.” According to Muck, Telsa’s Full Self-Riding will handle the stressful parts of daily riding, while making the trails safer for you and others.
“Riding bikes is cool or whatever,” said Muck, “but it is an inefficient use of time and energy. Just think of how productive you could be if the bike were doing the riding for you.” According to Muck, FSR can choose your route, navigate, pedal, steer, avoid obstacles, and even document the experience for you. All you need to do is get on the bike. “With FSR, you’ll have so much more time to do important things like answer work emails, post on X, chat with your AI girlfriend, and keep the hustle going 24/7.”
Telsa claims its Full Self-Riding has been trained on billions of miles of real-world riding data taken from users’ fitness tracking apps. “We got access to and have taken literally every Strava upload ever and used that data to train our Self-Riding,” said Muck, “You people are obsessed with tracking your rides, and there’s truly an unprecedented amount of data available to make our Self-Riding as capable and safe as possible.”
Additionally, Self-Riding is claimed to be 7x safer than a human rider. Using its array of cameras, Telsa’s FSR has a full 360-degree view and awareness of everything happening around you at all times. “Cameras don’t blink, they don’t get tired, and they don’t get distracted,” all of which are common issues with standard human riders.
Full Self-Riding gets the brand one step closer to the autonomous future it’s hoping for. When combined with Telsa’s Full Self-Driving, all you’ve got to do is load your bike on the rack. But, that pesky loading step shouldn’t be an issue for too much longer. “The fact that we still have to load bikes ourselves is outrageous, but our team has been working really hard on a Drone Facilitated Loading (DFL) solution,” said Muck, “We’re getting really close and will be rolling out a new DFL rack in a few months. Soon, you won’t have to lift a finger to go on a ride.”
Telsa’s new eMTB with Full Self-Riding doesn’t officially launch for a couple more weeks. And, beyond the FSR capability, we don’t know much about the actual bike. Be sure to check back, and we’ll keep you updated with the full specs, pricing, and availability when we know more. We’ve got a test bike headed our way, so expect a detailed review (fully written by AI of course) in a few months, too.
Editor’s Note: We weren’t that excited by the April Fool’s content coming our way, so we made our own. Obviously this is satire, but let’s be honest, Full Self-Riding could actually be coming soon…
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