From local rec fields to college competition, and now, decades later, I still see the same mental pattern showing up in competitive players of all ages. The ones who grow the most are not always the most talented. They’re the resilient ones. They’re the ones who learn the difference between high standards and self-criticism.
From the outside, these two aspects of a player can look alike. Both players care. Both work hard. Both feel frustrated after mistakes. But internally, they run on very different fuel. That difference affects confidence, performance, and long-term development. For young girls (and the coaches and parents supporting them) learning the difference in underlying motivation early can change the trajectory of a career.
High standards are rooted in commitment and belief in oneself. The internal message is grounding and forward-focused. The baseline mantra for high standards sounds something like, “I can improve, and I’m responsible for doing the work.” Players operating from high standards tend to show consistent habits and emotional stability, even when they’re pushing themselves.
You’ll often see high-standards players:
- Ask for feedback and apply it.
- Stay after practice for extra skill practice.
- Set process goals, not just outcome goals.
- Take responsibility without shutting down.
- Stay engaged after mistakes.
Their self-talk is corrective, not crushing. It sounds like instruction rather than judgment, and that keeps the brain in problem-solving mode instead of survival mode. When the brain is in survival mode, skill acquisition and sound decision-making abilities diminish. Creating the inability to make a next play decision.
Self-criticism, on the other hand, feels heavier and more personal. The internal message shifts from, “I need to fix that” to, “something is wrong with me.” That subtle shift has big consequences in how a player trains and competes. When you’re always thinking of what’s wrong, it makes it nearly impossible to focus on what’s right. Therefore, leading to a continued cycle of negative thinking. Growth can’t happen there.
Self-critical players often:
- Overreact to small errors.
- Struggle to reset during games.
- Tie performance to self-worth.
- Play safer after mistakes.
- Withdraw or go quiet under pressure.
I saw this clearly during my college years. Two teammates could put in identical extra work such as, the same drills, same intensity, same preparation. But, they performed very differently on game day. One treated mistakes like data and adjusted quickly. The other treated mistakes like proof they didn’t belong or weren’t good enough to be on the field. By mid-season, the first was playing freely and improving. The second was tight and hesitant as she compared herself to the other player.. And I have to admit, I’ve been both those players. Same standards set. Different inner voice on replay.
You can also spot the difference during matches. After an error, mindset shows up in body language and decision speed more than skill level.
A high-standards response usually looks like: Immediate recovery run. Clear communication. Calling for the ball again. Simple, fast next game time decision.
A self-critical response often looks like: Head down. Silence. Avoiding involvement. Hesitation on the next touch.
For coaches and parents, language matters more than you think. Many driven athletes are praised for being “hard on themselves,” but there’s a point where that stops being productive. Listening closely to post-game self-talk gives you important clues to where your head is at around your own standards of play.
The correction strategy should target behavior, not identity. When feedback stays specific and adjustable, players stay mentally flexible and coachable. For socceristas, one of the most powerful mental shifts is simple but not always easy: separate who you are from what you d0. Your performance is feedback on how you play, not who you are as a person.
Use this reset framework after mistakes:
- Name the action error. Refrain from naming a personal flaw.
- State the adjustment needed. Solution oriented mindset.
- Apply it on the next rep or play.=Action.
- Stay physically engaged.=Resilience.
Reflection on your time in the game also requires structure. Without it, motivated players tend to overthink in a way that spirals them instead of learning. A balanced review keeps standards high without draining confidence. Keeping your evaluation honest and grounded while reinforcing progress signals your brain needs to stay confident and proactive. Use this 2:1 reflection ratio: One specific correction, two specific things done well, and all statements need to be tied to actions.
The players who lead learn to hold two truths at the same time as mental practice. They demand a lot from themselves, and they treat themselves with respect while improving. That balance makes competitive play sustainable. High standards build competitors. Self criticism erodes them.
The way you speak to yourself becomes the way you play. So, aim high, stay accountable, and develop an inner voice that coaches you forward.
Image via @kate.faasse
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