Hey, would you look at that? Narrow bars on fixies is still a thing, go figure:
Oh, wait, no it isn’t:
Clearly this is a rider who appreciates width:
Speaking of handlebars, I was already taken in by one of those bike website April Fool’s jokes:
It was quite an emotional rollercoaster too, since I was already outraged before I even got to the fake part:
Are you a 31.8mm or 35mm handlebar type of person? Since the introduction of the larger diameter, many have asked the question: Why? Do the different sizes actually offer different ride characteristics?
Wait, 35mm? When did that happen?!? I still call 31.8mm “oversized,” for Lob’s sake!
So I was already confused and angry before I even got to the fake part, which fortunately I was able to recognize because I have children:
This is where Fair comes in with its new handlebar standard, combining the best of both diameters. And, obviously, combining diameters (mathematically, at least) gives you 66.8, which of course rounds up to 67.
Introducing the Fair 6-7.
Okay, fine, you got me. But really, where does the cycling media get off producing parody articles, anyway? They’ve got a lot of nerve being 100% ridiculous one day of the year when they’re “only” 99% ridiculous the other 364 days. For that matter, I also resent Jan Heine for engineering April Fool’s japes that are clearly just a thinly-veiled excuse to show off his superior bike-handling skills:
That’s an April Fool’s Humblebrag, and it may be an industry first.
Also, bicycle ABS is already a thing, anyway:
Not to be this guy, or anything:
Also, I happen to have anti-lock brakes on the Cervino:
See, I have some wheels with ceramic-coated rims, and when I tried them on the Cervino I found that if I squeezed the brake lever hard enough the front pads would vibrate at juuust the right frequency that the caliper’s quick release would slowly open. But, as Jobst Brandt loved to point out, a single-pivot brake like this will still work in the open position, so basically it amounted to an ABS system, though I guess you’d have to reset it after every hard stop by manually closing the lever.
Of course I just stopped using those wheels with those bikes, but maybe I should go back to them now that I realize it’s a safety feature.
Meanwhile, here’s an April Fool’s-sounding story that is apparently true:
As a lifelong cyclist I refuse to believe that this ridiculous time- and resource-draining activity could possibly make you smarter; if anything, I’m living proof of the contrary. Then again, most of my problems are probably not the result of cycling, they’re more likely the result of too much cycling. Perhaps I should limit my cycling to 20 minutes:
The study builds upon the already well-proven assertion that ‘physical exercise improves memory and learning in rodents and humans’. During the research period, however, the scientists found that participating in a pedalling exercise for 20 minutes caused ‘ripples’ to occur in a part of the human brain called the hippocampus, which where memories are formed and learning happens. These ripples directly led to an improvement in the subject’s performance in tests.
I suspect if you graphed this you’d find that the hippocampus starts rippling at 20 minutes, then at about an hour or two it starts to shudder uncontrollably. That’s when you start thinking internally routed cables and PNS jerseys are a good idea. Anything beyond that and you’re flirting with complete and total cognitive breakdown, which is why endurance cyclists do stuff like try to sneak into Russia:
It’s like that “Spinal Tap” scene where he tries to get back into the pod at the end.
Also, he could totally have gone backwards if he had ridden a fixie:
Finally, that’s it, your bike is officially obsolete:
Yes, 32-inch wheels are happening whether you like it or not:
“We’re always looking for gains in this sport,” Day said. “This is just our due diligence. We saw on paper that there was quite a big advantage to go 32: increased rollover, bigger contact patch, extra volume that can lead to potential reduction in operating pressures. There’s a lot of benefits to the wheel size. Then it just becomes how to package it in frames. And there is room for mixed-wheel applications.”
Mixed-wheel applications?!? Bring it on!
I can’t wait to start mocking the “woosies” on their safety bicycles…