<\/p>\n
Picture this: it\u2019s your wife\u2019s first time at a cricket match and she asks you what to expect \u2013 apart from a long day watching gentlemen in white throwing a red ball at a man with pads and a helmet on. \u201cAnd what about the people?\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s a wide variety\u201d I reply, \u201clet me explain them to you\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n
1. The posh bloke<\/strong><\/p>\n Posh bloke generally went to public school, and if he went to a \u2018major one\u2019 like Eton then he\u2019ll probably let you know all about it. He\u2019ll be the one asking everyone else around them: \u201cwhat school did you go to?\u201d, and if they find out they know someone in common, they\u2019ll chat<\/em> about what\u2019s happened to this character, which can range from \u201cthey\u2019re dead\u201d, to \u201cmarried a man\u201d, to \u201chasn\u2019t changed a bit\u201d (which, generally, is not a good thing).<\/p>\n Oh, and they tend to bray, very loudly. And sometimes \u2013 not always \u2013 they even wear their old school tie. They might even bait people who went to rival schools, which usually ends with spiky words followed by hours of uncomfortable silence. Or giggles.<\/p>\n 2. The club cricket man<\/strong><\/p>\n This is the chap who thinks it\u2019s all important to turn up to a Test Match wearing club cricket caps or jackets as a signal that they\u2019ve ****ing played the game<\/em>. Of course, it\u2019s \u2018cricketing dress-up\u2019, but it\u2019s also the hope that someone might ask them about their team. Occasionally, the conversation might get awkward when you reveal that the last time you saw Salisbury Village CC, they were out for 35 after being 25 for 0.<\/p>\n This is a good time for me to mention that I was never much of a player myself. I once totalled just 5 runs in a whole season. Instead, I used to love scoring. It enabled me to travel to other clubs and feel like part of the team without making any strenuous physical efforts. I also earned a bit of booze and cigarette money for the weekends. <\/p>\n 3. The expert<\/strong><\/p>\n Every sport has them. This is the chap who can give you long lectures about conditions, off-cutters, leg spin and suchlike. He\u2019ll also know the past, present and future of most cricket teams. He\u2019ll talk at you and won\u2019t bother asking for your opinion. And if you ask him too many stupid questions, he might well give you the \u201cwhat the hell are you doing here?\u201d look. However, he\u2019s good for an in-depth discussion about a side\u2019s faulty top order. <\/p>\n 4. The \u2018I\u2019m just here for the piss-up\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n Funny story: I\u2019ve taken my wife to three cricket matches. Two out of three of them have been at Edgbaston. There the first-ever day\/night Test against West Indies (Day 1) and T20 Finals Day. My wife couldn\u2019t stop looking at the Hollies Stand during the former, when the crowd turned up having had a few ales before the match had even started<\/em>. \u201cWhy are they dressed up?\u201d she asked, \u201cis this a stag do?\u201d When I said no, I lowered my head in shame.<\/p>\n On Finals Day we actually sat in the Hollies Stand. Behind us was a dinosaur and to our left were 16 blokes in Hawaiian shirts (and three of them even had inflatable surfboards). There were about 5 balloons firing around. But my wife said to me something I\u2019d never really noticed before: \u201cis anyone actually watching the cricket?\u201d I couldn\u2019t give her a firm answer on that one.<\/p>\n When Worcestershire finally scored the winning runs, a lot of people were obviously slaughtered. And while it might be fun at the time, getting booze spilled on you is not. I can assure you. Oh, and the drunks can get aggressive, too. I\u2019ve seen fights break out between the Mario Brothers and Teletubbies, and once witnessed a scouser dressed in a Mexican hat yell abuse at Donald Trump for the best part of 2 hours. It wasn\u2019t banter. He was just being a knob. <\/p>\n Having said that, getting hammered at the cricket is part and parcel of the game. So if you don\u2019t like being surrounded by 10,000 people getting on it all day, then Edgbaston Test matches and T2Os simply aren\u2019t for you. <\/p>\n 5. The foodie<\/strong><\/p>\n Let me tell you: if you can score a ticket with the Bharat Army, do so. And don\u2019t bring food, because they always come over-prepared. After you\u2019re done, your stomach will feel as though it\u2019s done 16 rounds on Brick Lane (and 12 hours later, your toilet will feel like that too).<\/p>\n But elsewhere, there are people who show up bringing all manner of stuff in the picnic basket. My Mrs brings quite the spread. With me, it\u2019s 3 bottles of Coca-Cola, and three packs of Quavers. And maybe a Pret sandwich.<\/p>\n Note: At Lord\u2019s they allow you to bring a limited amount of your own booze (as well as unlimited softies) so it can be quite the cocktail party. This is obviously the part my wife loves best\u2026 \u201dI like going to cricket\u2026 it\u2019s the only sport when you can have a drink at 10.30 am and no-one bats an eyelid.\u201d<\/p>\n 6. The corporate chap<\/strong><\/p>\n Corporates, sadly, are a necessary evil at cricket matches. They drive the price of tickets up and then don\u2019t bother showing up for the after-lunch session. And it\u2019s really effing annoying<\/em>. It\u2019s even more annoying when they tell everyone about the company they work for. Repeatedly. And they generally know nothing about the game.<\/p>\n My friend Kay and I went to a game at The Oval. Kay spotted a group and immediately predicted that they worked in real estate. So we took a bet and asked them. And yes, they were indeed developers. And yes, they knew nothing about cricket, aside from telling me how nice it was to be at Lord\u2019s! Their subsequent attempts to network ended in failure. <\/p>\n 7. The chatterer<\/strong><\/p>\n This is the chap that wants to talk to 250 people at the game so they have a \u2018cricket cocktail party\u2019. His cheeriness at 12pm is rather sweet. But by 6pm everyone wants to kill him \u2013 particularly if his \u2018banter\u2019 includes foul language, three or visits to the toilet to meet a Columbian friend of his, and enough booze to kill a horse. <\/p>\n 8. The wind-up merchant<\/strong><\/p>\n You\u2019ll know this guy. He comes from the opposing country, stands up and gives the home supporters loads of shit because, well, it\u2019s the cricket and therefore he\u2019s allowed to have a blast. He can be a good lad. But he can also be a prick.<\/p>\n My Dad once scored Test tickets for India at The Oval. Where were we sitting? With the Bharat Army!\u00a0 Suddenly, the joke was on us. Fortunately, however, there aren\u2019t too many rude characters who think it\u2019s funny to abuse rival fans.<\/p>\n I\u2019ll quickly mention, mind due, that I once sat next to the mother of a rather famous cricketer at Lord\u2019s. She asked \u2013 very loudly \u2013 why a member of England\u2019s team should play for the team\u00a0\u201cif he did not look English.\u201d My reaction \u2013 like the 25 people around us who heard \u2013 was abject horror.<\/p>\n 9. The \u2018Traveler\u2019.<\/strong><\/p>\n We all love to hear travellers\u2019 tales, especially when it\u2019s first hand rather than on bloody Facebook. Anecdotes range from the entertaining to the plain sad. My friend, for example, booked a trip to watch two Tests in Australia \u2013 but arrived with England already 3-0 down and the Ashes gone. Happier tales include watching England bowl Australia out for 98 at the MCG, and spending most of England\u2019s tour to Sri Lanka in the bar.<\/p>\n The traveler is also interested in the other team\u2019s fanbase and will keenly gather intelligence on local places to eat, drink and stay upon his next sojourn<\/em>. An added bonus is the number of retired cricketers now working for corporate travel groups. They\u2019re usually keen to have a chat. Nice work if you can get it. <\/p>\n 10. The \u2018normie\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n Finally, we have the normal cricket fan. He loves his cricket, doesn\u2019t go all that much because he can\u2019t afford it, has a few beers but not too many, and is generally pleasant to talk to. He\u2019s ultimately pretty forgettable, but at least he won\u2019t tell you about his job over and over again like the corporate chap. After all, we go to watch cricket to escape work. The two shouldn\u2019t mix. <\/p>\n Can you think of any other type of cricket supporter? Just let us know in the comments.<\/p>\n *For the record, this writer is writing from a place of knowledge, because he\u2019s been all 10 of the above \u2013 sometimes on the same day<\/em>.<\/p>\n Alex Ferguson<\/em><\/p>\nRelated<\/em><\/h3>\n<\/p><\/div>\n