A little over a year ago I cleared out my friend’s apartment after he died. He had a lifetime of bike stuff, all meticulously organized and stored carefully for the day when he might need to call it back into service or finally get around to selling it. Obviously that day never came.
As I went through all this stuff I couldn’t help thinking about my own. Unlike his, mine was completely disorganized, and if I were to depart this mortal plane nobody would be able to make the least bit of sense out of it. So recently I finally…well, I wouldn’t say I organized my spare bike stuff, but I at least went through it, put it in bins, and threw out the things it was least likely I or anyone else would ever want or need. (And yes, I’ve already gone looking for at least three of the things I threw out and then suddenly needed.) I also told myself I’d make every effort to look to these bins before acquiring any new bike stuff–because frankly, even if I realize my full life expectancy, I’ve reached that point in every Fred’s life where he has more stuff than he could possibly wear out in the course of his remaining allotment.
Unfortunately, while I may be able to account for my own behavior, I can’t account for the behavior of other people. Consider these two mail pieces I received in the very same day:
You may recall I wasn’t going to reconfigure the Farbman because I didn’t have a front derailleur cable pulley thingy and I wasn’t going to acquire one, only allowing myself to embark on the project when it turned out I had a suitable top-pull derailleur as well as everything else I’d need to complete it. Well, look what somebody just sent me:
Thanks a lot, Johnny, now I have to assemble a whole new bike around it.
And yes, Johnny first had to email me and ask for my mailing address in order to send it, so technically I did consent, but it was still wildly inconsiderate and selfish of him.
Here’s what was inside the other piece of mail, from regular commenter “sbarner:”
I’m sure you know that these are, right?
Of course you do.
Well, I don’t. In fact I don’t have the slightest idea. Is it something I mentioned once and have since forgotten about? I mean sure, I could email him and ask, but then he might answer, and once I know I’ll have to put bikes togetehr around all of them, too.
Then a day later I got a delivery from Ben’s Cycle, and the contents included but were not limited to the following:
For the record, none of this stuff counts against my “Not acquiring any new bike stuff” commitment, and if you’re wondering why, the answer is BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN’T, OKAY!?! And if you’re wondering what it’s for, the answer is it’s for a future project that’s none of your business. Look, austerity may be healthy, but goddamn it A FRED NEEDS TO LIVE.
By the way, let’s just take a moment to contemplate this:
I ask you: how can you hold this object in your hand and still want a disc brake? So light, so simple, and yet so effective. Sorry, but opting for disc brakes over this is the symptom of a diseased mind–and you shouldn’t take that the wrong way, all I mean is that if you want disc brakes instead of something like this there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Oh, and if your answer to the rhetorical disc brake question was “More tire clearance” I’ll point out that there’s such a thing as rim brakes with more clearance. Or, if your answer was “More stopping power,” well, some things in life are worth dying for, aren’t they?
Sure they are.
An unwillingness to put your life on the line for your ideals is exactly what’s wrong with this new generation.
[Intern: Drop that “Old Man Yells At Cloud” image in here.]
Speaking of this new generation, once again I found myself looking at the cycling videos on YouTube and not being able to bring myself to watch a single one of them, because they aggressively rebuff any attempt on my behalf to be interested:
Can we please reserve phrases like “The Hard Truth Nobody Wants to Admit” to situations that actually warrant it, like “Sometimes I fantasize about murdering my cat,” or “I’m strongly attracted to my second cousin?” The meaningless difference between the frame materials of mass-produced bicycles is not something we’re repressing deep in our collective subconscious and unwilling to confront.
Also, if you’re going to make statements like this, please follow through with them:
Good, don’t! I don’t want to hear about your gravel bike ever again. In fact I don’t want to hear about any gravel bikes ever again. If I could return to any period in history, it would be 2012, which is the year before the gravel bike was invented. Then, on the eve of that invention, I’d go to sleep and wake up back in 2012 again, just like the movie “Groundhog Day,” only I’d be really happy about it.
Though maybe I’d go back even further to before mountain bikes stopped being bikes:
Sorry, it’s not complicated. They both suck, just total garbage. Look, just skip the human-powered motocross bikes and get an e-bike already, you know you want one. You know, when this first started happening I was horrified:
Now I just hope what they call “mountain biking” today goes fully and completely motorized so the divorce will become final already.
But YouTube can still be helpful. For example, what better resource is there for the confused bicycle shopper?
Good Lob, 38 minutes!?! Here are those five essential features you want in one second:
- Wheels
- Saddle
- Handlebar
- Pedals
- Brakes
Now you’re all set.